1WW

I have arrived in the home stretch... the 1ww! This cycle has been a little weird - Okay, a lot weird.

For starters, I started checking my cervix this cycle (it's not as weird or gross as I thought it would be)... I actually think it's facinating albeit confusing at times. Like now... I thought after I Oed, that it would close up - not with my quirky cervix. It decides to stay open, inspite of what the the books say is normal (is this the cause of my IF problems... I do not know. So I shall google until I am satisfied... or clinicly insane - whichever comes first.)

Secondly, this is an abnormally long cycle. Since losing 80 pounds - my cycles have evened out around a comfortable 31-33 day cycle... this one seems to be around 34-36. (I had a hard time guessing my O day this cycle). It doesn't bother me (much). I guess we will see next cycle.

Lastly, now that I'm in the 1ww - Rather than finding myself googling every symptom I feel at the given moment, I find myself perfectly normal. Feeling great, actually! Any normal person would think nothing of it, but me I find it as a cause to worry. Did I miss something this cycle? I thought I Oed, but I could have missed it. What if I didn't O this cycle? The almighty google tells me that sometimes no symptoms can be a symptom, so am I pg?

So I guess I'm in for a wild and crazy week. Let's home the men in white jumpsuits don't come for me this cycle - I already feel like I'm loosing it.

2WW, TMI, & TRIGS

This cycle has been kinda hard for me to read. Normally when I'm about to O, I have an abunance of CM for me to look at, but DH and I have been doing quite a bit of BDing (and some FDing) this cycle so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it. I only had two days of watery and one possibly EWCM day, but I started checking my cervix this cycle (since I can't temp) as well and it was HSO on two of those three days, so I guess I can say that I did O on Sunday.
My DH keeps telling me that he has a feeling that this cycle is it and to be honest, I've stopped truly hoping a long time ago - that is why we are going to stop trying for a while in September. I'm not depressed or anything, but I think the word for the way I'm feeling right now is hopelessness. I hate that I feel this way, but I do.




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TRIGS - Below
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This cycle is really hard for me to have any hope. I never had the chance to tell you ladies about my SIL. She is one of those lucky ladies who one day decided to have a baby and 2 months later she was PG. So after my nephew was born, she went on BC until 11 weeks ago. 7 weeks after she stopped BC, she began complaining to me about her "infertility" (yes, she knows all about my struggles) - I didn't say anything to her but it had hurt me greatly. Two weeks later she finds out that she is 7 weeks PG and was PG at the time she was complaining... She informed me in a way that wasn't very considerate and so my heart was broken a second time. Sunday (the day I Oed) she had a miscarriage. My heart breaks for her because I totally understand what she's going through and I feel like a terrible person because I had some hurtful feelings toward her until about a week ago. So it's really hard for me to have any hope or to even feel anything positive about this cycle.

Aggravated

Seriously people.

How hard is it for you to call or txt me and let me know when you aren't showing up for your job. I understand that you're a volunteer and all but we rely on you! Now I have to scramble around like a chicken with my head cut off just to make sure the service will run smoothly.

Thanks.


I'm so glad that tomorrow is camp! I need to get away from this place and all the crazy people in it!!!

First Post

This is my escape.

Finally, I decided to jump on the blog bandwagon. We will see how it goes… for now. I don’t have much time to actually write anything today. I’m packing and preparing for youth camp. I’m excited but what I’m most excited about is that I will not be Oing while at camp… DH and I will only be obsessively trying (by obsessive I mean – tracking cycles, taking vitamins, checking cervix type obsessing) to have a baby until September. After that we will just chill and let nature take it’s course. I’m suppose to O the week after camp (so from 26th – 1st of August). I’m really hoping that we get KU this time around. I’m so tired after years of TTC. Many women will go the extra mile with IUI’s and IVF… I’m just not ready for that.

I try to live holistic and as organic as I possibly can. I’m just not comfortable pumping artificial drugs in my system. I took Clomid years ago and it wreaked havoc on my system. Maybe in a few years, I might consider it. However, it’s not a possibility now.

Well, that’s all for now.