1WW

I have arrived in the home stretch... the 1ww! This cycle has been a little weird - Okay, a lot weird.

For starters, I started checking my cervix this cycle (it's not as weird or gross as I thought it would be)... I actually think it's facinating albeit confusing at times. Like now... I thought after I Oed, that it would close up - not with my quirky cervix. It decides to stay open, inspite of what the the books say is normal (is this the cause of my IF problems... I do not know. So I shall google until I am satisfied... or clinicly insane - whichever comes first.)

Secondly, this is an abnormally long cycle. Since losing 80 pounds - my cycles have evened out around a comfortable 31-33 day cycle... this one seems to be around 34-36. (I had a hard time guessing my O day this cycle). It doesn't bother me (much). I guess we will see next cycle.

Lastly, now that I'm in the 1ww - Rather than finding myself googling every symptom I feel at the given moment, I find myself perfectly normal. Feeling great, actually! Any normal person would think nothing of it, but me I find it as a cause to worry. Did I miss something this cycle? I thought I Oed, but I could have missed it. What if I didn't O this cycle? The almighty google tells me that sometimes no symptoms can be a symptom, so am I pg?

So I guess I'm in for a wild and crazy week. Let's home the men in white jumpsuits don't come for me this cycle - I already feel like I'm loosing it.

2WW, TMI, & TRIGS

This cycle has been kinda hard for me to read. Normally when I'm about to O, I have an abunance of CM for me to look at, but DH and I have been doing quite a bit of BDing (and some FDing) this cycle so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it. I only had two days of watery and one possibly EWCM day, but I started checking my cervix this cycle (since I can't temp) as well and it was HSO on two of those three days, so I guess I can say that I did O on Sunday.
My DH keeps telling me that he has a feeling that this cycle is it and to be honest, I've stopped truly hoping a long time ago - that is why we are going to stop trying for a while in September. I'm not depressed or anything, but I think the word for the way I'm feeling right now is hopelessness. I hate that I feel this way, but I do.




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TRIGS - Below
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This cycle is really hard for me to have any hope. I never had the chance to tell you ladies about my SIL. She is one of those lucky ladies who one day decided to have a baby and 2 months later she was PG. So after my nephew was born, she went on BC until 11 weeks ago. 7 weeks after she stopped BC, she began complaining to me about her "infertility" (yes, she knows all about my struggles) - I didn't say anything to her but it had hurt me greatly. Two weeks later she finds out that she is 7 weeks PG and was PG at the time she was complaining... She informed me in a way that wasn't very considerate and so my heart was broken a second time. Sunday (the day I Oed) she had a miscarriage. My heart breaks for her because I totally understand what she's going through and I feel like a terrible person because I had some hurtful feelings toward her until about a week ago. So it's really hard for me to have any hope or to even feel anything positive about this cycle.